It was supposed to be just an ordinary conversation. All you really wanted was to get your point across – quietly and without conflict. But, suddenly, there you are again – in the middle of an argument you’d planned to avoid. And, once again, someone is angry at you – because you just got angry at them! Sound familiar? Is this you or someone you know?
Most likely, what happened is that you acted out of some old habit you may not have even realized was hanging around ready to upset that conversation. And even if you did know what might happen, you might also not know how to stop or prevent that familiar reaction.
You might even be absolutely sure that if the other person had just done or said the right thing, there would have been no argument. After all, don’t you have a right to fell angry?
Of course you have a right to feel – and express – your anger. But, that habit of instant, habitual reaction, triggered by some as-yet un-named feeling within you, has again worked against your best interests. That habit of response is so much a part of you, that your brain, your mouth, your body all go into action with no obvious instruction from you. And, you end up stressed, angry, unhappy – with your needs still not met.
But – the good news is that it doesn’t have to be that way. Habits can be changed. New habits can be learned – with lots of motivation, some effort, and possibly a little extra support. Think of the habits you already have and how hard it was to learn some of them. However, eventually, you did learn lots of important habits that work well for you.
Infants starting to walk are learning a complex set of habits. They don’t just automatically move from crawling to speed-walking! And as they learn, they fall down a lot, cry often, figure out how to get help, and eventually start walking somewhat unsteadily. But, as they keep practicing, they get better at it until walking becomes automatic.
With this in mind, it might help to remember that it’s possible to learn complicated new habits. You can achieve your goal, even if you fall down, cry, wobble, miss sometimes, and get discouraged.
You might decide you can change your unwelcome habits all by yourself. And, maybe you can. Or, you might decide that you’re going to reach out to get the help you need, so that you can better understand what goes wrong for you, despite your best intentions.
There are lots of self-help materials around, if you choose the “on your own” route. But whether you decide to see a counselor, talk with friends or just cope by yourself, your quest will be the same – to find a new way to have those conversations, so that you no longer feel out of control, angry, and stressed.
To make lasting changes, it will help if you can recognize the triggers for your anger and understand why you get so angry, so that you can eventually learn how to regulate those strong feelings and reactions. You will also want to learn new words, new ways of communicating at work, with friends, and with family. Those are the important relationships that you probably don’t want to lose to that old habit of anger!
Whenever you’re having difficulty learning a new habit, you might want to think of those toddlers learning to walk. If they can do it, so can you!
I invite your comments and questions, through emails or phone calls (310 475-1759) if you have concerns or questions about anything I’ve written.