NOTICING WHAT WORKS: What would happen if we made a conscious choice to view some disappointments through a different lens?

My college major was special education. I loved learning about and working with kids who learned differently. Kids who didn’t quite know how to do things “right.” My friends and I were full of pride and passion about our ability to accept and love our students as they were. We cheered on the small steps and explained to all who would listen that slow progress and and a bit of oddness were to be embraced without put-downs and criticism – and with lots of patience.

One day my parents arrived at school to take me to lunch. My impatience with our rather slow and sort of inept waiter was clear. My parents heard my complaints for about as long as they could tolerate. Then my father asked a question I’ve thought about many times in the 40+ years since that day.

He said quietly, “I don’t understand something. How is it you are so patient with your students and so impatient with this waiter?” My somewhat indignant response was along the lines of, “That’s not fair! He’s not my student. He’s our waiter and is supposed to be speedier, do his job right!” And the arrogance of all-knowing young adulthood won the argument for the moment!

But, that conversation comes back to me often these days. I’ve been eating in restaurants fairly frequently  lately. Some servers are excellent, others just do the basics to get the job done. Some get confused easily and mess up the order, while others provide extraordinary and efficient service. And a rare few seem to want to be fired!

It’s human nature to notice and remember those people in our lives who mess up, the  ones who make more mistakes, seem not to understand quickly, have shaky  social skills. Those who do a good or great job often fade into  the background. They don’t disturb our world, so we tend to forget they exist – except when they aren’t quite as perfect!

I wonder how  different life could be if we could  manage to change perspective. Note and try to remember the folks in our worlds who respond to us appropriately, who take care of our needs, who may not be perfect, but who are doing the best they can in the moment. And who really don’t intend to do us harm. Pay attention to the waiter, friend, colleague who is ok most of the time. Know that we will all mess up from time to time, and we can choose how we react to those who do.

In my personal and professional experience, I’ve noticed that anger often tends to build when the focus is on what went wrong – no matter how small an issue. What could be different if you made the choice to attend to your anger later on – but for now, focus on and acknowledge the things you like about someone, the positives that have occurred, the small things that didn’t go wrong?