If only those folks who are so irritating knew how you really feel! How angry, frustrated, upset you get when they just haven’t gotten the point! If only they knew and would change their attitudes so that you could get your needs met and so that they could help you stay away from saying those words that start the steam rising……… Wouldn’t it be wonderful if no one in your world did and said those things that make you feel as though you’ll burst if you don’t let them know just how annoyed or angry you really are?
But then….. real life intrudes!You get triggered and the important people in your life are now angry right along with you. So – you may get what you want, but at what cost? In your wake is a trail of unhappy, angry, fearful, annoyed, people who feel the need to walk on eggshells around you. They may even love and like you – most of the time. But they all know that they also need to be careful. When you use the words that bite, they’d probably rather be anywhere else than with you. Is that how you want the world to see you?
Want to try out a different way of handling things before your words take over? I know that when you’re in the habit of doing it one way, it’s hard to make the changes you really want (more about habits in my next post). But, you’re reading this, so I’m going to assume you are motivated to handle your life challenges a little differently.
Below is one approach to word-management that might produce the results you want without the conflict you’d probably prefer to avoid. Try using this strategy for just two days. Then stop to evaluate. If you’ve gotten some positive responses, keep tweaking your technique and practicing it until it feels right. If not, then you might need a different approach or you might need a little extra help figuring out why you’re having so much trouble with those words! I’ve deliberately picked an example that is just about everyday business – not your family or friends. It’s easier to practice when you have no emotional connection.
Before you enter a potentially conflicted situation, stop! Remind yourself that this time you will say what you need to say – without that steam that burns everyone.
Listen well, without responding, until you’ve heard what the other person has to say. When you do respond, remember to keep your body language and voice tone as neutral as possible. Non-verbal angry displays are just as powerful as words!
Make a statement about how you understand the situation. To the computer repair person: “You told me I’d be able to pick up my computer today. But what I’m hearing is that you’re short-handed and it’s not yet fixed. Did I get that right?” (Let’s assume the answer is “yes.”)
Relate the impact on you (with steady voice). “Joe, I counted on you to have that computer ready. I need it for an important meeting this afternoon. Not having it may cost me an important contract.”
Express your understanding (empathy) “I know it’s tough when you’re understaffed. I’m sure I’m not the only upset customer you’ve seen today.” (You are likely to get a positive response to your concern.)
Tell him what you want him to do: “I really appreciate how you’ve helped me in the past, and I need the same from you now. I need that computer by 4:00 today. If you can’t do that, I need your help to figure out what other options I have. Perhaps you could give me a loaner and transfer my data onto that, but however you do it, I want you to honor your original commitment to me.”
What will happen if you don’t get what you want? You have choices, depending on the situation. No matter how incompetent someone else is, no matter how rudely he behaves, your own angry response is unlikely to be a motivator for change. You could move on up – speak with a manager, owner. You might chose to write a letter detailing your poor treatment and ask for compensation. And, you could decide to give your business to someone else! (Some things you just can’t change!)
This approach has a good chance of working – maybe 70% – 80% of the time. If it doesn’t, you have the satisfaction of having kept your cool. This could be the time you didn’t explode! This could be the time the other person is left admiring your calmness and wishing he could do the same.
Does this sound too simplistic? Sure it is! But you do need to start somewhere, so trying out a few tips to see if they work for you can’t hurt and just might help. I’ve tried to provide, throughout this blog, some strategies for managing anger, coping with difficult situations, using your words a little more effectively. If just one works well for you, congratulations! After all – that one small change could just possible start the ball rolling, as you search for the help you need.